Laden With Guilt

I feel like I'm really starting to get the hang of having two children in some ways, but, in other ways, I still feel maternally challenged. In many ways, I don't feel quite so overwhelmed as I did at first, and I do believe that those feelings will continue to lessen. However, I'm starting to believe that it becomes "easier" not because I will get better at handling the two of them together but because they will get older and more easily manageable.

Don't get me wrong - I feel overwhelming joy that God has blessed me with these two precious little girls. However, it has been rather depressing to realize an even greater depth to my depravity than previously imagined. I never quite knew what a monster was lurking within me until I was faced with this most recent challenge. It has opened my eyes to see things about myself that I'd rather think were not possible.

In addition to the guilt over the ugliness in my heart is the guilt of failing to be "supermom". I can't seem to stop comparing myself to other mothers who seem to have things so much more together, work hard and joyfully make sacrifices. I feel like I've lost my grip lately. I feel as though I'm so behind on everything that I'll never catch up or make up for it.

I am hoping that with the completion of the huge, time-consuming project at my husband's work later this week will come great relief for our family. I know, however, that true peace and restoration will only be found in Christ. I know that I need Him, but, oh, how I've struggled to call upon Him lately! Hear, my soul, these words from Isaac Watts:

Laden with guilt and full of fears,
I fly to Thee, my Lord,
And not a glimpse of hope appears
But in Thy written Word.

The volumes of my Father’s grace
Does all my griefs assuage;
Here I behold my Savior’s face
In every page.

This is the field where hidden lies
The pearl of price unknown;
That merchant is divinely wise
Who makes the pearl his own.

Here consecrated water flows
To quench my thirst of sin;
Here the fair tree of knowledge grows,
No danger dwells within.

This is the judge that ends the strife
Where wit and reason fail,
My guide to everlasting life
Through all this gloomy vale.

O may Thy counsels, mighty God,
My roving feet command;
Nor I forsake the happy road
That leads to Thy right hand.