Today is the anniversary of the day we named our lost baby (which was Evangeline's twin). The story behind this is very special to me, and I believe I am now ready to share it on a wider scale. So, here goes.
We lost Evangeline's twin during the 9th week of my pregnancy--around Thanksgiving, actually. A couple of months later I had a dream in which I saw myself out shopping with my children, which included twin boys. Their names were Zachary and Machary. There wasn't anything exciting or very noteworthy about the dream, but I awoke to a bittersweet feeling, as if seeing a glimpse of how my life might have been. I related the dream to Chris, who joked with me that I was not allowed to name any of our boys (turns out he wasn't too keen on "Machary"). I told him not to worry, "I'm sure my mind was just coming up with a name to rhyme with Zachary, although I can't imagine why I would have thought of that name either, as I've never considered using it." (This is coming from someone who has poured over countless baby names and meanings over many, many years.)
Life went on, and I occasionally found myself thinking back on the uneventful dream with a strange sort of nostalgia. I rarely talked about our lost child outloud, but I thought of him often. I knew I wanted to name the baby, but I kept putting it off.
The time finally came in April when I was ready to face the full reality of our loss and felt a very strong desire to name the baby. The meaning behind a name has always been of great importance to us, even more so with this child that we would never hold on this side of Heaven.
During Eliana's nap I did backward searches for names, using a meaning I thought might be appropriate for a keyword and looking over the list of names with some kind of tie to that meaning. Nothing seemed to "fit," though. I finally decided to put off the search for that day and go take a much needed nap.
As I lay in bed with sleep quickly trying to overtake me it suddenly hit me--hard. Remember. I knew that this was the keyword I had been looking for. I tried to tell myself that I could look it up later--that now was the time to sleep--but after a few minutes of vainly struggling against the idea, I surrendered to it. Sitting down at the computer, I typed "Remember" and then saw
We lost Evangeline's twin during the 9th week of my pregnancy--around Thanksgiving, actually. A couple of months later I had a dream in which I saw myself out shopping with my children, which included twin boys. Their names were Zachary and Machary. There wasn't anything exciting or very noteworthy about the dream, but I awoke to a bittersweet feeling, as if seeing a glimpse of how my life might have been. I related the dream to Chris, who joked with me that I was not allowed to name any of our boys (turns out he wasn't too keen on "Machary"). I told him not to worry, "I'm sure my mind was just coming up with a name to rhyme with Zachary, although I can't imagine why I would have thought of that name either, as I've never considered using it." (This is coming from someone who has poured over countless baby names and meanings over many, many years.)
Life went on, and I occasionally found myself thinking back on the uneventful dream with a strange sort of nostalgia. I rarely talked about our lost child outloud, but I thought of him often. I knew I wanted to name the baby, but I kept putting it off.
The time finally came in April when I was ready to face the full reality of our loss and felt a very strong desire to name the baby. The meaning behind a name has always been of great importance to us, even more so with this child that we would never hold on this side of Heaven.
During Eliana's nap I did backward searches for names, using a meaning I thought might be appropriate for a keyword and looking over the list of names with some kind of tie to that meaning. Nothing seemed to "fit," though. I finally decided to put off the search for that day and go take a much needed nap.
As I lay in bed with sleep quickly trying to overtake me it suddenly hit me--hard. Remember. I knew that this was the keyword I had been looking for. I tried to tell myself that I could look it up later--that now was the time to sleep--but after a few minutes of vainly struggling against the idea, I surrendered to it. Sitting down at the computer, I typed "Remember" and then saw
Zachary
and every variation on it looking out at me from the monitor, with meanings such as "The Lord remembers" and "Remembered by God" listed. First, my jaw dropped and every hair on my body stood straight up. Then I bawled.
When Chris came home, I told him all about it, and we quickly agreed that we would name our lost child Zachariah. Thomas, meaning "a twin," came just a few minutes later as the middle name.
It is this mother's comfort to say that the Lord has indeed remembered Zachariah.
"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me." -2 Samuel 12:23
It's strange to know that she is surely at peace. And that she is well off there, very well off, and yet to grieve so much! -Martin Luther, on the death of his daughter, Magdalene
6 comments:
Wow, all the hairs on my body just stood straight up too. What a beautiful story.
I'm glad you didn't go with Machary!
That was a very powerful story, thank you for sharing.
I am glad you shared too! I also had that goosy bump feeling!
I'm gonna go with Megan and say glad you didn't go with Machary - although I am interested in knowing the meaning of that name!
I'm sorry for your loss, too, Jennifer. It's a beautiful name.
So sorry to hear about this, guys, but thanks for sharing. May the bittersweet tale on this side of Heaven make for a joyful reunion one day!
Thank you all for your kind comments.
Post a Comment