Homebirth 101

As a homebirth mom, I've received many questions and comments regarding my birthing choices. I realize that people are often naturally curious about birthing choices that seem to be outside the "norm". Unfortunately, however, many people are caught so off-guard that they end up coming back with something unintentionally offensive (at least I hope it's unintentional). Others bluntly pass judgment without care for reflection and certainly not with any thought for actual truth.

So, if I may step up on my soap box for just a moment, I'd like to share with you a website that answers a few homebirthing questions: But What If...? Questions Commonly Asked of Homebirth-ers

Mother of Two

Today is Day 3 "on my own" with both girls, and we're all still alive and in one piece! :) Everyone says that having a baby will change your life forever. That is certainly true, but, in some ways, at least from my own experience, I would say that having a second child changes your life even more than having the first one does. The adjustment has certainly been greater.

Eliana has been adjusting beautifully. I've been so pleased (Thank you, God!). Even with her grandmother now gone she is doing well. She loves her baby sister and is such a little mama to her. It just warms my heart to see her hugging, kissing and petting little Evangeline.

I am so thrilled to have two little girls! We had our first outing today at the park, just Mommy and the girls (and we're still all alive and in one piece!). I told Chris that going out with one of the girls is like going out with a friend, but going out with two girls is like having a party! Sure, it takes 4 times (not 2, mind you, but 4) the time and effort to pack up the car and get out of the house, but think of all the fun we'll have!

Evangeline Azalia's Hypno/Water/Home Birth

We left for a social gathering in our neighborhood around 5:00 PM on July 4th. Just after arriving, I began to take more notice of the contractions I had been having (for days). I was feeling that downward pressure-in-my-bottom feeling with each contraction, and it was like a little light bulb going off in my head, "Oh yeah – I remember this!" After timing a few surges at about 7 minutes apart I whispered to Chris, "I’m in labor." We remained at the party until about 7:30, when I was having more difficulty being discreet during surges and not feeling at all sociable anymore.

Upon arriving home, Chris started getting Eliana ready for bed and I began to get things ready for the birth. My body didn’t stand too much of that. It let me know rather quickly that all hustle and bustle would now cease. I managed to tuck in Eliana and tell her goodnight, and we informed her that the baby would be coming tonight and that she could meet her in the morning.

After that, I retreated to my bedroom and told Chris, "I want my tub." He began to get it ready around 9:10 while I labored on the bed. It took all my effort at that point to focus and concentrate on my breathing during surges. I started feeling somewhat anxious about my ability to do HypnoBirthing. I was doing fair at the moment, but my breathing already had great strain in it, and I couldn’t imagine keeping it up through anything much more intense. Looking back at it now, after the fact, I can honestly say that this part of labor was more difficult than "transition" was in the tub.

Jenny, my midwife (who was also my HypnoBirthing instructor), was called around 9:30. I finally decided that I should try sitting on the toilet, but it took me a few more contractions to get up the nerve to actually move. After sitting on the toilet for a while I inquired about the tub. Chris said it was almost half-way full, and the next moment I was making my way to it.

Upon entering the water (around 10:15), I let out a huge sigh of relief. Another surge soon began, but I breathed through it easily. The pain-relieving effects of the water were so great that I remember telling Chris, "Who needs an epidural when there’s water?" My confidence level skyrocketed. I kept listening to my HypnoBirthing CDs and concentrated on breathing slowly and deeply during surges, relaxing every part of my body. I reclined against the back of the tub a lot and would let my arms float freely in the water during surges. When I became uncomfortable, I moved freely and easily in the water to my newly adopted position. I had labored in the water with my first child, but it had been in a hard feeding trough, and though the water had still had a wonderful soothing effect, I never could find a comfortable position. Being in a soft, padded birthing tub made all the difference in the world.

Jenny arrived around 11:00 PM. She checked the baby’s heartrate and said it was good. All sense of time was really lost on me after that. I continued to go deeper into relaxation and really got "in the zone". My CD cut off, but I didn’t bother telling Chris to restart it. I had affirmations and visualizations freely floating through my mind.

I did not know this until after the fact, but, around 1:00 AM (just an hour before the actual birth), my midwife came back in the room to check on me and found Chris and my mother asleep on the floor. I looked so calm and relaxed that she believed I, too, was asleep and that my labor and stalled. She was about ready to check me and go home until things "picked up" again.

That, however, did not happen. I finally became uncomfortable in my reclined position, as the baby was starting to move down and put more pressure on my lower back and tailbone. I moved to sit on my knees with my legs spread, facing the tub rim with my arms and head supported. Breathing began to require an extra level of concentration, and I began to feel squirmy, unable to find a position to stop this new uncomfortable sensation down low. I just couldn’t believe the baby was actually moving down. "Surely not," I thought. "It hasn’t gotten bad enough yet."

Jenny began to talk to me, as I struggled to keep control over my breathing. "Let it be big," she said. "Let it be so big." I finally said that I wanted to know where the baby was. She checked me and said, "The baby is right here (in the birth canal)." I soon began to feel the urge to bear down and decided to adopt the on-my-knees position by the rim of the tub again. I finally began to vocalize some during surges, as I released tension and followed my body’s cues to bear down, but it was still nothing terribly loud or traumatic-sounding. I simply needed to release some of that "huge sensation" somewhere. I continued to breathe, even during the pushing. I simply followed my body’s lead. It was very empowering.

At 2:00 AM, my bag of waters released and took me quite by surprise. Soon after, Jenny was encouraging Chris to feel the baby’s head and prepare to receive the baby. As the baby crowned, I began to feel a small burning sensation in an isolated area, but not the "ring of fire" that I had experienced with my first. A minute or so later the head was out. I remember wanting to hold my baby so badly that I kept saying, "My baby! My baby!" I wanted to receive the baby myself, so I scooted backwards to the middle of the tub, still on my knees, and pushed the shoulders out. Chris supported the head, and I reached down into the water and pulled the baby out and onto my chest, leaning back against the tub. Official time of birth was 2:08 AM on July 5.

Words cannot describe the feelings experienced in that moment of time just following the birth. What sense of empowerment, relief, joy and overwhelming love!

The cord was short and did not allow me to see the baby’s gender, as the water was high and the baby was held on the side and covered with a towel. Turning the baby enough to see the gender would have required submerging, so draining of the tub began. It was probably a good 10-15 minutes after the birth that I finally took a peek and announced, "We have a girl!"

It took the baby a few minutes, but she quickly latched on and nursed like a pro! She nursed more that first night than Eliana did in her first few days of life!

The baby weighed in at 7 pounds, 1 ounce and measured 20" long. She had had ZERO molding and had a head the size of a 9-pounder, but I only have a few "skid marks". I’ve gotten very little sleep, but, otherwise, I am recovering quite nicely.

I am so very pleased with this birthing experience and feel that I must recommend water and HypnoBirthing to anyone out there pursuing a natural birth. This is coming from someone who really struggled with accomplishing hypnosis in practice. The smarty-pants man and the chattering monkeys in my head never like to shut-up. When the time came, however, I went way off the deep end, even fooling the midwife into thinking I was asleep. It really was a great experience for me, and I thank God for it.

We named our daughter Evangeline Azalia. Evangeline has a Greek origin meaning "good news". Azalia is Hebrew for "spared by Jehovah", in remembrance of the heart-wrenching time earlier in my pregnancy when we thought we would lose her and in memory of her twin, whom we did lose.

On to July...

Well, it looks as though June is not going to be the month of the baby after all! I've been busy these last few weeks getting last-minute things ready and trying to get some rest! My mother is now staying with us, and that has been a big relief. We've had fun spending time with her, and I've greatly appreciated the extra help and rest that her visit has made possible.

By the end of last week I was feeling pretty desperate to have this baby. I was getting hardly any sleep, and the contractions that I had been having for weeks were really picking up and starting to really interfere with my life. They just wouldn't go to the next level, though, so it was like being stuck in low gear! My midwife gave me an herbal tincture to take, which calmed my uterus and allowed me to get some sleep. I have just been a completely different person since! I've had a pretty good week, and I haven't felt in such a hurry to get this baby out!

We are very excited about our upcoming arrival. Every day my odds of having the baby only increase. It feels odd to have now already gone over a week past when Eliana was born. Hopefully I'll have some big news and pictures to post soon! :)

Anniversary Bust

Last Friday, May 26, was our 5-year anniversary. I had been looking forward to it for some time, and was excited about finally riding the tram to the top of Sandia Peak and eating at the restaurant there, as we had planned to do on this occassion even before we moved out here.

That, however, was not what happened. I woke up that morning quite sick to my stomach. The money spent on our non-refundable tram tickets was lost. Chris spent his entire free day off work caring for Eliana. I spent the day going back and forth between my bed and the bathroom. Here's a formula for all you math people out there:

Massive pregnant belly + violent heaving = State of Misery

I lost four pounds that day. It was far from the fifth anniversary I had in mind.

I'm happy to report that I feel much, much better now and that Chris and I have plans to try again tonight. We won't have the whole day together like we would have had last week, but we plan to ride the tram and have dinner atop the mountain. Today is another beautiful day, and I'm really looking forward to our date night.

Happy anniversary, my love!

The Month of the Baby

June is finally here! I may very well have a baby this month! In fact, I believe it to be more likely than not. Even my midwife seems to agree. The question is, "When??"

If this baby comes on the same day (gestationally speaking) as Eliana, then he/she will be born 3 weeks from today. I need to make it at least 2 more weeks from now to be full term, and I need to make it until after the 21st if my mother is going to make it in time. My midwife made mention of the baby possibly being born on Father's Day, which would be special. I have such mixed feelings because, on one hand, I am ready to have this baby and not be pregnant anymore. However, I'd like most of my mother's visit to take place before the baby comes, so that means it would be best to make it until July.

My midwife believes the baby will be similar in size to Eliana and that, once in labor, I will progress quickly. That is just music to my ears! I hope she's right! I am preparing myself to have a shorter, less painful labor. I'm actually excited about going into labor and doing it better this time!

Congratulations, Chris!

I just wanted to make a quick post to say how very proud I am of my foxy husband for completing a half-marathon this past Saturday (in great time, too). Way to go, love!

Painful Joy

A dear friend recently forwarded an e-mail to me about a woman talking with a friend pondering the possibility of becoming a mother. It was all very touching, but one line in particular struck me:

I want her to taste the joy that is so real that it hurts.

What a great way to describe it! Many times have I said of Eliana, "I love her so much it hurts!"

Eliana will be turning two on Sunday, which is also Mother's Day this year. For all the effort I took to cherish every part of these last two years and never rush her growth and development she has still managed to grow up too quickly and is continuing to do so! I remember the exhausting nights when I was up every two hours to nurse my little newborn. I would tell myself, "Do not become cranky. Thank God for this special time and enjoy it because it will be gone before you know it, and the day will come, all too soon, that you would make great sacrifices for the chance to be woken up from a deep sleep so that you could hold her like this just once more."

Maybe I thought that if I could just appreciate it enough, that time would move a little more slowly.

I still say similar things to myself. When Eliana is being demanding or I have to get up in my awkward, uncomfortable state to help her with something for the upteenth time that morning I think, "Do not feel troubled. Thank God that she still needs you, still loves and desires no one more than you, and that she looks to you for guidance. What a joy it is to feel needed and loved! What a privilege it is to be a servant! One day she will be more easy to reason with and will rely upon me less, but on that day, part of me will miss the little girl who looked to me for everything and needed her mommy to kiss all the "hurts" away. A toddler can be taxing, but what can compare with those sweet little kisses and bear hugs from tiny arms? What can compare with the wonder found in every little thing through a toddler's eyes? O, how I will miss my precious little, little girl!"

I may have more children, but I will never get back these special times with Eliana. Once passed, they are gone forever. How valuable and cherished are these times! I wish I could so tightly hold onto the memories that none of them would ever leave me. But how do you perfectly capture forever that small, helpless cry of a newborn or the contagious laugh of a toddler? What about a touch or a smell?

O the privilege it is to be a witness to and participant of such beautiful experiences! What a great and awesome blessing it is to be a mother! Words just cannot adequately express how grateful I am that The Most High has entrusted this little one to me, even if for just a short time! The joy is so great that it hurts.

How can you adequately explain to a woman without children how such immense pain can give such immeasurable joy? How do you adequately express to her what a great privilege and honor it is to be a mother? How do you get her to understand that no matter how she thinks motherhood will change her, that, in reality, it will be so much more than what she imagines and probably not in the way she thinks? How do you get a woman who fears losing "her life as she knows it" to really wrap her mind around the truth that though her life as a mother will, indeed, be different, that it will also be so much more enriched and sweet?


To my Heavenly Father -
Thank You for so graciously bestowing such blessings upon me.

To all mothers everywhere -
I wish you such a joyful Mother's Day that it hurts.

Pregnancy Dreams

Pregnancy can do some really crazy things to your brain. I really feel like the bigger my belly gets the smaller my brain becomes! I feel like I'm doing well to remember my name these days. I would normally consider myself to be mentally organized and "on top" of things, but when I'm pregnant, particularly toward the end, I become forgetful and so many things begin to slip through my fingers. I'm looking forward not only to having my body back (or at least some resemblance of it) again but also my mind!

Another interesting thing about pregnancy's effects on the mind is the impact on your dreams. I seem to have many more vivid dreams while pregnant. I could recount interesting dreams all day, but I'll just keep it to this week's recurring dream.

Over the past week alone, I've had about three dreams with the same theme. I have a baby (a girl) and then quickly go back to living my life, seemingly incapable of consistently remembering that I have a newborn who is relying on me. I suddenly remember and feel tremendous guilt over having not nursed the baby in many hours. In the last of such dreams I went to the baby (a very tiny, frail thing) and tried to nurse her, but my milk had already pretty much dried up due to the fact that I wasn't nursing much at all. I vowed to nurse her at least every two hours like clockwork until my milk returned. I was so mad at myself and felt like such a terrible mother. I even remembered in my dream that I had had those other dreams about neglecting my baby and had woken up feeling bad about it and saying, "I would never do that!" and then feeling even more guilt that I had, in fact, done that very thing. How silly, huh?

This is all coming from someone who never left her firstborn for so much as a quick trip to the grocery store until she was four months old.

I've thought about many reasons why I might dream such things. Most likely, I figure I must have some anxiety about establishing a good nursing relationship, as it was a struggle with Eliana (due to true medical cause). We overcame the difficulties, however, and I thanked God for every day He so graciously enabled me to provide for my daughter in that way.

One more interesting dream tidbit is that whenever any of my baby-related dreams involve having a girl, she's always deformed in some way or another. Sometimes she's insanely tiny (I'm talking hold-in-the-palm-of-your-hand tiny) or has a terribly misshapen head or distorted face, etc. I can't recall any of my "boy" dreams involving any problems or abnormalities. I have no idea what that means, but I find it interesting that I dream that so consistently.

Any dream analysts out there? :)

Just a Little Update

This past week has been very draining, both physically and emotionally, but it has also been very uplifting spiritually, as I acknowledge my own weaknesses and look to God for strength. He has been gracious to give it, and I am very thankful.

I am happy to report that Eliana has been doing really well sleeping in her toddler bed. We encountered quite a few bumps that first week, but she really seems to have gotten the hang of it now, and we are all adjusting nicely. It is so wonderful to see her learning new things, particularly learning to obey more and more. It brings us great encouragement.

The estimated date of delivery for this new little one is now 2 months away. I go back and forth between thinking that to be a short time and thinking it to be a long time. When I think of everything I want/need to accomplish before the baby comes it doesn't seem like much time, but as I gasp for air and struggle in pain to get myself to a standing position it seems like an eternity. Just 2 months/8 weeks 5 days/61 days more... :)

Now Entering "The Diaper Zone"

I bet you didn't know this, but there's a whole group of people out there getting excited over what their children are "eliminating" into. Believe it or not, though, they're not crazy. Well, they better not be, because I'm quickly becoming one of them!

That's right, friends. I have discovered the exciting world of cloth diapers. I know you're probably thinking, "Diapers? Exciting?" but it's true. This stuff is soft, cute, environmentally friendly, and healthier than disposables. You just want to put it up to your face it feels so good (providing that it's clean of course!).

There are SO many options from which to choose. It's actually a bit overwhelming. I just know I'm going to spend a fortune on the quest for the perfect diaper! Many of them have good resale value, though. They've made it so easy and desirable to cloth diaper now. It's great!

With New Privileges Come New Responsibilities

Trying to teach a 23-month-old that sleeping in a "big girl" bed means that she must also be a "big girl" by staying in that bed can be a challenge, especially when that child is strong-willed. Seeing Eliana trying to push the limits of what she can "get away with", telling me, "No!" and disobeying over and over and over again in just a short timeframe of 5 minutes can be very disheartening and discouraging. As hard as it is though, I believe that God can and is using this in her life to grow her up in obedience to Him.

As a parent, I'm often led to wonder how my attitude looks to God. As I watch Eliana fussing over the smallest, most insignificant thing I think about how much I must resemble the same attitude in God's eyes when I'm not getting my way. When I refuse something for her benefit, to protect her or to hold out for something she will enjoy even more, I wonder how often I, too, fail to see the blessings God has in store for me by refusing that which I want or think I need. When I question, "Why does she make this so hard on herself?" and think, "I wish she could just understand better and see the big picture!" I can't help but think what God must say to Himself when I am acting the same way.

Free doula, anyone?

I have not received a single reply from my ad in the base newspaper offering a free doula service. Granted, this publication is received by a limited number of people, and I stated I would only accept clients due in the next two months, but I had still hoped to receive at least one or two inquiries.

A doula, for those of you who may not be familiar with the term, is a labor assistant. Studies show that having the support of a doula at your birth greatly decreases the amount of interventions and invasive procedures often used during labor and delivery in America's hospitals. It has been my desire to minister to women and their families in this way for a little over two years now. I have not pursued it until now, however, because of my obligations at home (mostly in my commitment to breastfeed Eliana). I feel like I'm finally at a point where I could now do this to some small degree, and yet, it won't be long until my obligations at home, though welcome they be, keep me from entering this ministry yet again.

I keep considering other avenues I could pursue to find an interested client due in the next month or two, but part of me says I should just give up, as I'm in the third trimester myself and things will only become more difficult. But then I struggle against my strong, heart-felt desire to help empower expectant parents with knowledge and confidence, be their advocate, and support them during labor. It saddens me that I have not yet found anyone interested in having this kind of help and support.

May God use me how and when He sees fit.

The Beginning of the End

Today officially marks the beginning of my third trimester, the beginning of the end. Wow. I can't believe I've made it to this point already. I mean, the first trimester draaaaaagged by, but the second trimester went really fast! I think part of it is also due to the fact that I became pregnant just after we moved to New Mexico, and it doesn't seem like we've been here that long yet. Checking the calendar, though, it has been six months, as of yesterday, since our arrival.

I'd definitely have to say that the nesting phase has hit. We gutted out what is to be the baby's room a couple of weeks ago, and I have been setting new cleaning records for myself. I am eager to get all of the baby clothes organized and am constantly on the lookout for a new dresser for Eliana's room (so I can put hers in the baby's room).

I've also been on a home redecorating kick. Over the past couple of months, I have purchased many new odds and ends for the house, including many flowers, most of which I arranged myself. We bought a new dining room table a few weeks ago, and just yesterday we had new living room furniture delivered.

Someday, in the not-too-distant future, I would like to start posting some pictures. Unfortunately, however, our USB cable is missing, so I can't download any pictures off of our camera until we either find our old one or buy a new one. It will be taken care of soon, though - definitely before the baby is due!

"Wheeeee!!"

I am happy to report that the pregnancy massage went well and felt great. I actually had two people working on me at the same time, which was wonderful. At one point, one of them was doing some belly-lift thing and the baby kicked her. It was funny because I could tell it had really caught her off guard and she was quite startled by it.

Today, however, has been particularily uncomfortable. My feeling down today (for no particular reason - just hormones I guess) hasn't helped matters either. My dear husband came home from work a little early to take his little family to the park and to get me out of the house for a little while (not that I never leave - it's just that it is sometimes more difficult to find the motivation when I'm not feeling well). We had fun watching (and helping) Eliana play on the playground. For the last few weeks, whenever we go to the playground she starts exclaiming, "Wheeeee!!" as soon as she sees it and continues making this precious sound for about the next 15 minutes or so. She is particularly fond of the slide right now. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times she went down it today.

While sitting on the slide today, she (rightfully) told me that "play" and "yellow" are signed the same way. She's been having a lot of fun learning her colors. Another cute saying we are hearing now is, "Hold you," which she says whenever she wants us to hold her. You just have to hear it. It sounds so precious.

Chris and Eliana are in the next room dancing. I am such a blessed woman. I have an amazing husband who is an amazing father to my amazing daughter. They bring me such joy.

Awaiting Relief

I love my darling little girl, but she did not come without a price (do they ever?), though she was well worth it. Upon entering this world, Eliana broke my tailbone, and I have had problems with it ever since. These problems have only intensified since becoming pregnant again. The round ligament pain I have had the misfortune of experiencing this time hasn't helped matters either. Now entering my third trimester, getting myself to a standing position and walking are becoming more and more difficult (and sitting can, at times, be just plain painful). At this rate, I'm wondering if I'll be able to walk at all in a couple of months!

I write all of this not to complain, but to give some background to aid you in better understanding my excitement and joyful anticipation of the relief that is, Lord willing, soon coming. You see, in less than two hours I expect to be laying on a nice comfy table receiving my long-awaited one-hour massage at the New Mexico School of Natural Therapeutics. While I don't expect this to provide complete or permanent relief, it's a start, and I'm ready for it, no matter how minor or short-lived it may be. I can also say that more easily, in part, because I have another appointment in week and a half with a cranial-sacral specialist. Relief, Lord-willing, is on its way.

And so it begins...

Okay. I guess I can scratch "Start a Blog" off of my list of things to do. I'm not sure how long it will take me to eventually scratch off "Learn to Sew", "Start Scrapbooking", "Become a Gourmet Chef", and the many other goals of my list, but it's a start. :)